"RESUME BLUNDERS" - Johnny Miller 




In my contracts management career, I have written numerous resumes. 


Also, I have reviewed many resumes of people looking for a job. A resume is a summary of your qualifications, professional experience, accomplishments, skills, education, and professional affiliations. The primary purpose of a resume is to get your foot in the door. It is often said that a resume does its job successfully if it does not exclude you from further consideration for employment. Set out below are 57 amusing examples of actual and hypothetical resume statements (that I have collected over the years) that would probably exclude you from further consideration:




1.  Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

2.  Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

3.  Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

4.  I am very detail-oreinted.

5.  My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

6.  It's best for employers that I not work with people.

7.  I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

8.  Insufficient writing skills and thought processes have slowed down some.

9.  Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

10. My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.





11. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

12. I am a rabid typist.

13. I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

14. I have a bachelorette degree in Political Science.

15. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

16. Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

17. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

18. Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

19. Worked as a Corporate Lesion.

20. Special Skills: Speak English.

21. I am interested in applying what I learnt in college.

22. Served as assistant sore manager.

23. Will not relocate. But if I can get a job out-of-state, it is not a problem for me to move.

24. Increased sales and closed business.

25. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

26. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

27. Special skills: Thyping.

28.Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.

29. I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

30. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

31. I can play well with others.

32. Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.

33. Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.

34. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.

35. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

36. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

37. Work best with kids five and under.

38. Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

39. Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.

40. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing agreements.

41. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

42. Received a plague for employee of the Year.

43. Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

44. Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product
development and implementation.

45. I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.

46. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.

47. Previous experience: Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy.

48. Previous rank: Senior instigator.

49. Looking for an employer that believes in prompting from within.

50. I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.

51. Interests: Music, dancing computers.

52. Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.

53. Strengths: Impersonal skills.

54. Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.

55. Other: Drafted in the Army in 1776.

56. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

57. Referees available upon request.


In preparing a resume, many issues must be carefully considered. Be accurate in spelling, punctuation, grammar, word choice, design, and proof-reading.
Don't be a resume blunder victim.